What am I even doing?
I became conscious of my life about 8 years ago- yes, I was barely living before then-and I have made a habit of taking myself to account occasionally. Sometimes yearly, sometimes at shorter intervals. It’s more like asking myself “what I am even doing?” Is there a plan or am I just winging it?. For my own reflection first and foremost, but also to document something real-time for my children. Who knows, I might accidentally become great and they might think of writing a biography. None of these reflections were publicly in written form until now because I have always considered myself a poor writer, but I had one writing engagement this year and I didn’t do that bad. So why not start?
My life in the past two years have been quite similar to how it was in the last few years of the last decade (2008–2010). Hey, I think I am on to some decennial trend here! They were similar in the sense that I changed environment, learnt a lot about myself and the world around me and made bold moves about what I wanted to do with my life; how I wanted to live and what my windows and mirrors were. Windows through which I perceived the world and its purpose, and mirrors through which I see myself and define my place in the world. Do you know yours?
About three years ago, against the run of play, an unexpected opportunity to study abroad came through for me. I say unexpected because after a few Ls, I had taken my mind off that idea and decided to get married and get on with life. At least for the next few years. I mean I had what would be considered a good job with a fair paycheck and a willing lady who I loved and still love immensely and who would go to the moon and back for me. It’s not a movie, it was real! Then suddenly this opportunity I didn’t really pay attention to fell on my laps and I didn’t know what to do with my life. I eventually got married but it meant I and my wife were committing to a very hard but necessary couple of years away from each other and I can’t quantify how grateful I am to her for how she has and continues to help me through it.
2018 ended quite nicely, and frankly, way better than I expected. At the end of 2018, I committed to starting a new program after spending two semesters in a different one. This meant I was immensely broke and had workload the size of Ibadan with the world looking to come to an end. I forgot to mention Allah also blessed me and my wife with a bounty of joy, Abdur-Raheem Faaris Ifedayo. His arrival reminded me that our sustenance wasn’t far away and I kept my head up.
And do not kill your children for fear of poverty. We provide for them and for you. Indeed, their killing is ever a great sin.
[Quran 17:31]
In the close of 2018, I got a good job with a renowned firm and a good paycheck, so it meant I was starting 2019 on a buga note. But one thing that didn’t go away was my workload. Studying full time and working close to 30hrs (please don’t tell ausländerbehörde) a week is definitely no joke. This meant one thing I had to learn in 2019 was doing a billion things at the same time & prioritizing. I am not sure I did excellent, but I survived and that’s the most important. I had to grapple with things like mapping out where and how I will do my daily salawat before leaving my apartment in the morning. Sometimes in the basement, sometimes in the parking lot, sometimes on roof tops and on very good days, in the aesthetically pleasing Al-Nour Moschee.
Things like preparing my own meals on time-I laugh when I see the women are wired to cook arguments on twitter! If you have to, you will find your own wiring! -, and deciding whether to tweet during my long commutes to and from work or school or to read a book . Things like can I quickly complete this school paper at work while my boss isn’t watching. Things like should I skip class or work for one day. Skipping work for one day means about 200 euros less at the end of the month while skipping class means I need extra hours I don’t have to catch up. Things like when is the right time to call so I can talk to my wife and catch my boy before he sleeps. All these tasks look basic, but they are quite difficult to hold down if your head is not in the right place. And you see that thing they say about how living abroad alone is difficult? It is not difficult, it is deadly. One of the things we Nigerians have underappreciated is the value of the social bond that holds the fabric of our society together. While in Nigeria, I have never thought twice about what to do on the weekends. I know at the minimum I will go to the Abiola’s, eat Iya Abiola’s ever tasty food and have some fun time with my second family. Well, there’s none of that in Hamburg!
It hasn’t been all bad though. However small, I have been able to find myself a family that I can rely on. Orire, Idris, Souljaboi, Yusuf, Eddy to mention a few have all come through this year. They have helped me keep both my body and my soul refreshed. One of the highlights of this year is every time I and Orire leave class to go pray salah in jamah on the roof top. They are pictures that will remain in my memory for life. The are reminiscent of the brotherhood and love from my days in Osogbo. Orire especially is one of the most reliable people I have met in life and being in this journey with him has been a blessing from Allah. He jokingly mentioned during the amala session at his house on Sunday that my life has changed for the better since he came to this country and there are no lies detected! May Allah bless him and keep him steadfast.
I am also grateful to my all those who never stopped checking on me from thousands of miles away even when I wasn’t so forthcoming. My parents, my wife, my siblings, Aisha Abiola, HK, Ummu Summayah, Lim Lim, Nusaybah (even though it’s often through BCs), Ummu Umar (the smile account meant I could call my parents more often), my blood and my mallam Ibn Naasir, Sobur, Jeje and even those I haven’t mentioned. You were all contributors to me remaining sane.
2019 isn’t really ending on a great note, but overall, it has been positive and paints a picture of hope. I planned on changing the direction of my career before the year ended and I worked hard for it, but I took a number of successive Ls towards the close of the year which meant that didn’t materialize. They didn’t work out, but I have had important feedbacks about what my strengths are and the things I could do better, and these feedbacks are also priceless. 2020, In Shaa Allah, will see my crazy student life end and I am not sure where exactly I will end up, but I am sure it will be something challenging and interesting. Maybe a Social Sciences PhD? Or as a full-blown money chaser? Allah alone knows!
My person of the year though, is my wife. Marriage is a contract where both parties have committed to love and to some responsibilities towards each other. For one reason or the other, I don’t think I have been able to fulfil my end of that bargain as much as I should for the past two years. Regardless of this, you have loved me, taught me where I was ignorant, supported me where I was weak & forgiven me when I was an ass. You have protected my honor and raised our son better than I could imagine. I do not think even a lifetime with you can help me repay that. And I can boldly say the best decision I have made so far in my adult life is marrying you. I look forward to a long life with you.
If you know me, then you already know it is difficult talking for five minutes without mentioning my mother. I have learnt a lot that has shaped me as an adult but none of them could replace how being raised by her shaped me. She taught us, by actions and in not so complicated vocabulary, the importance of faith, duty to others, sacrifice and hard work in life and for that I am forever grateful. More importantly, she has loved my wife like her own flesh. All my life, I have never doubted if I was the most beloved person to my mother, it was very obvious. But after seeing her with my wife, I am not sure anymore. To the best of their ability, she and my father have taken care of my young family during this very unconventional period and I am very grateful for that. No reward can match a sincere dua to Allah for them.
“My Lord, have mercy upon them (my parents) as they brought me up [when I was] small. [Quran 17:24]
Our Lord, forgive me and my parents and the believers on the Day the account is established. [Quran 14:41]
I have a number of targets for 2020, but the most important is spending more time with my young family. I spent a total of about 10 weeks with my wife and son in 2019 and 2020 would already be a success if that changes for the better. I want to kiss my wife goodnight more often again and help potty train my son and I promise I won’t come on twitter to slander him! This might mean less twitter because my wife might seize my phone, but I will choose that a million times over!
What have I learnt that stands out? I was speaking to a friend this past weekend and we were reviewing what has been, what could have been, what is, and our outlook and plans for the future. We both came to the conclusion that it is indeed a privilege to be ambitious. So yes, that’s my biggest lesson this year, that it is indeed a privilege to be ambitious. It is a privilege to have plans and dreams and to be able to pursue it. So I will keep that with me and teach it to my children and their own children after that. I will teach them that it is a privilege to be ambitious and I will utilize that privilege to the fullest but I will make sure not to abuse it. You should also!
All Praise is to Allah Who has spared me from what He has afflicted them with, and favoured me greatly above most of what (those) He has created.
Sunan At-Tirmidhi 5/493, See also Al-Albani, Sahih At-Tirmidhi 3/153.
